“The universe is not expanding. It is running away from Chuck Norris.”
“When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t push himself up, he pushes the Earth down.”
”When Chuck Norris slice onions, onions cry.”
“Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.”
“Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.”
“Chuck Norris was born may 6th 1945 and the very next day, may 7th 1945, the Nazis surrendered.”
“They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore but the granite wasn’t tough enough for his beard.”
“There are no steroids in baseball, only players Chuck Norris has breathed on.”
“When Apollo 11 first landed on the Moon in 1969 Chuck showed them where to park the vehicle.”
“Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest – against a fish!”
“Chuck Norris sometimes boards a plane – in mid flight!”
“Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger by yelling “Bang!”.”
“Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.”
“Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is.”
“Chuck Norris killed an army of 5 000 men with two bullets, and the first one was a warning shot.”
“Chuck Norris played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.”
“When Chuck Norris went to his first day of school, he told his father “You’re the man of the house now.””
“Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.”
“Chuck Norris was once bitten by a king cobra, and after five agonizing days… the cobra died!”
“Chuck Norris can win a staring contest with the sun!”
“Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross – just never his own.”
“Chuck Norris died 40 years ago but Death never had the guts to tell him.”
“There is no such thing as evolution, only creatures Chuck Norris allowed to live.”
“Chuck Norris once tripped over and made a crack, it is now called the Grand Canyon.”
“Chuck Norris brings his fists to a gunfight.”
“People often compare God to Chuck Norris. He is a good man but he isn’t Chuck Norris.”
“Chuck Norris doesn’t turn on the shower, he just stares at it until it cries.”
“A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick will alter your DNA. Many generations from now, descendants will suddenly go flying across the room and not knowing what hit them.”
“Astrophysicists still study Chuck Norris’s first ever roundhouse kick, but they refer to it as the Big Bang.”
“Saying that ‘no one is perfect’ is a personal insult to Chuck Norris.”
“When Arnold Schwarzenegger says ‘I’ll be back’ in Terminator, it is implied that he is going to ask Chuck Norris for help.”
“Chuck Norris doesn’t ever need a compass, he randomly points somewhere and North goes there in order not to anger him.”
“Last time Chuck Norris lit a fart, he was in the middle of the Sahara Forest…”
“Chuck Norris pulse is measured on the Richter scale.”
“Chuck Norris can make fire by rubbing 2 ice cubes.”
“Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.”
“People wear superman pyjamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.”
“Chuck Norris’ answer to how many push ups he can do? All of them!”
“In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super powers are done with special effects, Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.”
“Chuck Norris once created his own brand of toilet paper, unfortunately it didn’t take shit from anybody.”
“When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.”
“Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming “Law & Order” are trademarked names for his left and right legs.”
“Chuck Norris starred in all of the Star Wars films… as the Force.”
“Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.”
“Chuck Norris’ tears cures cancer. Too bad he never cries. EVER!”
“In fine print on the last page of The Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.”
“Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.”
“Chuck Norris and Superman fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear outside of his pants.”
“Chuck Norris once strangled a man with a cordless phone.”
“Handicapped parking is reserved for Chuck Norris. The picture shows what will happen if you take his spot.”